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 The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."

However, in government, education, and in corporate America, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1.  Buying a stronger whip.

2.  Changing riders.

3.  Appointing a committee to study the horse.  Better yet, bring in an army of consultants to over study the horse.

4.  Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.

5.  Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

6.  Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.

7.  Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

8.  Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.

9.  Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse's performance.

10.  Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.

11.  Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

12.  Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

And of course:

13.  Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. 
 
One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across 
the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"


One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this
comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon. 

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw 
one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts
said,"Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder. 

 

The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone 
were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate. 
 
So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby 
Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly, but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon. 
 
An official government translator was summoned.

After he finally stopped laughing, the translator relayed the message: 
 
"WATCH OUT FOR THESE ASS HOLES. THEY HAVE COME TO STEAL YOUR LAND."

Old Indian Woman
An old widowed Indian woman was very lonely, so she decided that she needed a pet to keep her company.  
So off to town she went to find a pet shop.  
Upon entering the pet store she began her search for the right companion.  
Nothing seemed to catch her interest ... except this one-UgLy-frog.  
As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her!  
The frog whispered in Indian, "I'm lonely too!
Buy me and you won't be sorry."
The Indian woman figured, what the heck, she hadn't found anything else.
So, she bought the frog and sat him next to her in her old pickup as she drove away.  
Down the road the frog whispered to her again in Indian, "Kiss me! You won't be sorry."
So, the old lady looked behind her in the mirror and figured what the heck and kissed the frog.  I
mmediately the frog turned into a tall, handsome, buff, young warrior.

 

Then he kissed her back . . .  and do you know what the old lady TURNED INTO?

The FIRST MOTEL she could find! aaayyyyye!

 

 

How to impress an Indian Woman....

Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her by her Indian name,
Hug her,
Support her,
Hold her in the moonlight,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Listen to her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Romance her,
Believe in her,
Cuddle with her at a 49,
Shop with her,
Give her many Pendleton
Blankets,
No Indian Time,
Keep a job through Pow-Wow Season,
Carry her chair at Pow-Wows,
Give her beautiful Indian jewelry,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Don't eat too much fry bread,
Give her many horses,
Keep the run down cars out of the yard,
Bead for her,
Play beautiful flute music for her,
Set up camp for her,
Hunt for her,
Give her lots of groceries,
Sing beautiful Indian Songs to her.
Have her balance the check book
and never asked how much is left !
Rub her feet, then ankles, knees and... 

HOW TO IMPRESS AN INDIAN MAN

Show up naked with fry bread !!!!

 

INDIAN REZ HOROSCOPES:

CAPRICORN Dec 22-Jan 19:

You are always saving junk and dragging things around the yard. You are basically a pack rat. There has never been a tidy Capricorn on your Indian Reserve. You should quit stealing other people's garbage.

AQUARIUS Jan 20-Feb 18:

You haven't the foggiest idea who you are and you've stayed stupid for too long. You are a natural liar. On the other hand, you are compelled to the dinner table where, you make loud sucking noises, as you devour sixteen pork neckbones. Everyone thinks you Indian name should be 'Vacuum Neck'.

PISCES Feb 19-Mar 20:

You have no imagination and you always think the Department of Indian Affairs or Social Services are following you. You have influence over welfare administrators and friends think you're a weasel. You lack perseverance and are generally a chicken. Pisces people like to beat the ugly cats and sniff their nose a lot.

ARIES Mar 21- Apr 19:

You are an old stiff and this is reflected in everything you do. You are always whining over nothing and think everyone is out to rob you of something. You should take 11 sweats, one after another.

TAURUS Apr 20- May 20:

You like to work like hell and you are a genuine Jack of all trades. Most people think you are just getting in their way. you are stubborn and persistent. You are stubborn and persistent. You should get on welfare, immediately.

GEMINI May 20- June 21:

You are very intelligent on your feet but lose all credibility when sitting down. People like you because you know how to cash in food vouchers. This means your're a con artist. Geminis are notorious for their pimping.

CANCER June 22- July 22:

You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. Friends think you are a sponge and you are always misplacing your sweetgrass. That is why you will always drive a 'rez bomb' and have a fat mate.

LEO July 23-Aug 22:

You consider yourself a warrior, others think you're a macho egotistical creature of habit. Most Leos like to pick on little people. You have no ambition and will forever live in your mind. Leo people are scared to go to the sun dance and prefer to make love to their mirrors.

VIRGO Aug 23- Sep 22:

You like to have things in perfect order and will pick nits all day. Your sex life has become well known, due to you meticulous nature. Friends think you're an example of institutionalization and would make a model inmate at the local prison.

LIBRA Sep 23- Oct 23:

You have extreme difficulty with reality. This disorder began at the Rez school and will cause further serious mental shortcomings. Chances for employment are nil and you'll have to do bead work for the rest of your life. All Libra's light their sweetgrass from the wrong end.

SCORPIO Oct 24- Nov 21:

You are a shrewd and conniving Aboriginal. Your land claim cannot be settled because you also want them to throw in Africa and China. Your work ethics defy logic but this stems from the fact that you know everything. Most Scorpios develop Jean Chretien-type mouths.

SAGITTARIUS Nov 22- Dec 21:

You are extemely optimistic and have the tendency to rely on Indian Medicine. The majority of Sagittarians carry little bundles of leather and will do weird things suddenly. You should take 365 vision quests, 67 sweat ceremonies, 39 Sun Dances and a Valium.

UPPER MANAGEMENT TRAINING

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand

and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says

to the waiter, "Me want coffee." He gets the Indian

a tall mug of coffee and the Indian drinks in down in

one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it

into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his

shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in

the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the

waiter, "Me want coffee." The waiter says, "Whoa,

Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from

yesterday. What the heck was that all about anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for

upper management position: Come in, drink coffee,

shoot the shit, leave mess for others to clean up,

disappear for rest of day."

 

 

 

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The story of Onestone the Indian Brave.

This was his Indian name given to him because he had only one testicle.

After years and years of this torment Onestone cracked and said,

"If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young girl named Blue Bird forgot

and said, "Good morning Onestone."

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest there he

shagged her all day, he shagged her all night, he shagged her all the

next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant business.

Years went by until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village

after many years away.

Yellow Bird who was Blue Bird's cousin was overjoyed when she saw

Onestone and hugged him and said, "Good to see you Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he

shagged her all day, shagged her all night, shagged her all the next day,

shagged her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of the story?


>(You'll love this!!!!)

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>You can't kill two birds with one stone

An Englishman was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in
the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an
old Indian sitting in the corner.

He had tribal gear on, long white plaits and a
wrinkled face. "Who's he?" said the bloke. "That's the Memory Man." said

the bartender. "He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try

him out."
So the bloke goes over thinking "He won't know about English football."
"Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?' he asks.

"Liverpool" replies the Memory Man.
"Who did they beat?" "Leeds" was the reply. "And the score?"

"2-1"
"Who scored the winning goal?"

"Ian St. John" was the old man's reply.

The Englishman was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man. A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find

the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the
same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled.
Because he was so impressed the bloke decided to speak to the Indian in his
native tongue.
He approached him with the greeting "How"
The Memory man replied, "Diving header in the six yard box"

ONE FEATHER

Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American Indians. While touring a reservation during the documentary she was puzzled as to why there was a difference in the number of feathers in the Indians' headdresses. So she asked a brave who only had one feather in his headdress. He explained, "Only have one woman. One woman, one feather".

Feeling the first redskin was only joking she posed the same question to another brave who had two feathers in his headdress and he replied, "Me have two women; two women ... two feathers".

Still not convinced the feathers indicated the number of sexual partners involved, she decided to interview the Chief. Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers. Based upon the previous two explanations Ms. Walters was quite intrigued to hear what the Chief had to say. She asked, "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?"

The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said, "Me Chief. Me sleep with 'em all. Big, small, fat and tall, me sleep with em all."

Horrified, Ms. Walters exclaimed, "You ought to be hung."

The Chief replied, "You damn right, me hung big like buffalo, long like snake."

Taken aback by this outburst Ms. Walters cried, "You don't have to be so hostile."

The Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style...me sleep with em all."

With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh dear."

The Chief said: "No deer. Ass too high, run too fast."

 

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. After a bit of small talk, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. "What's in the bag?" asked the woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for a moment then,
speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, "Good trade."

 

 

While out riding on his horse one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding
on his horse, with a dog and a sheep running along side of him, and
began a conversation with the native.

"Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"

The Indian... "Dog no talk.
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how you doin'?"

Dog: "Doin' all right, thanks."

Indian: Look of shock and disbelief.
Cowboy: "Is this man your owner?" pointing at the Indian. Dog: "Yep"

>Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. Walks me twice a day, feeds me good food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Cowboy: "Okay if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Indian: Extreme look of shock and total disbelief.

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?", again pointing at the Indian.

Horse: "Yep, sure is"

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, and thank you for asking. He rides me regularly,

brushes me down everyday, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."

Indian: Total look of utter amazement.
And the sheep...


Cowboy: "Okay with you if I talk to your sheep?"


Indian: "No. Sheep big liar."

Cherokee chief
The old Cherokee chief sat in his reservation hut, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two US
government officials sent to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for many generations, you have seen his wars and his products, you have seen all his progress, and all his problems." The chief nodded. The official continued, "Considering recent events, in your opinion, where has the white man gone wrong?" The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied. "When white man found the land, Indians were running it.
No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver.
Women did the work.
Medicine man free.
Indian men hunted and fished all the time..."
The chief smiled, and added quietly, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more
than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced
every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate
and that there must be something he was doing wrong. Sitting in a saloon
one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who
had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The
young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and
told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me
some tips?" he asked. The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well,
for one thing you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little
lower down on your leg." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked
the young man.
"Sure will," said the old-timer. The young man did as he was told, stood
up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player "That's
terrific!" said the cowboy, "Got any more tips for me?" "Yep," said the
old man, "cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it.
That'll give you a smoother draw." "Will that make me a better
gunfighter?" asked the younger man. "You bet it will," said the
old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up,drew
his gun in a blur, and shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!" said
the cowboy, "I'm learnin' somethin' here -- got any more tips?" The old
man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that can full
of axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.The young man went over
to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No,"
said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "No," said
the old timer, "..but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's
going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much..."

elderly Navajo

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in
Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman
walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car
and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
After a bit of small talk while resuming the journey, the
Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What's in the bag?" asked the woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a
bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for a moment, then
speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said,
"Good trade."

 

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life.

"A fight is going on inside me"; he said to the boy. "It is a terrible fight, and it is between two wolves”.

One is evil - this one is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is good - this one is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.

“This same fight is going on inside you and every other person, too."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather,

"Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

you tube logoDave Chappelle-Native Americans

 

 

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

SOVEREIGN INDIAN: This is the Chicken's inherent right as he is indigenous
to this land!!!

MILITANT INDIAN: That chicken should block the road, not cross the road!!!

GRASSROOT INDIAN: If the darn chickens need to get across the road, let 'em
cross the darn road!

COLONIZED INDIAN: Chiggens should never cross the roads that white men built
before the great white father crosses it first. If the white father crosses
it, it is good. We must then follow.

AMERICANIZED INDIAN: We must have roads. We must cross the roads that the
white man built for us. We have to be thankful to the white man for this. I
don't know why you Indians are always complaining. You embarrass us. Roads
are good for us.

REPUBLICAN INDIAN: It's true that that white man built those roads for us.We are merely chickens. We will always be chickens until we learn to build
those roads ourselves -- for profit.

DEMOCRATIC INDIAN: The chicken crossed the road because it didn't have
enough funding.

TRADITIONAL INDIAN: Those chiggens weren't traditional because they were
supposed to be on it - not crossing it!

INDIAN GRANDPA: I think it was runnin' away from rezidential school.


URBAN INDIAN: That chicken crossed the road 'cause it was a city, man. You
know what I mean?

NEW AGE INDIAN: It was basically because of Jungian dream therapy, drumming, sweatlodges, my shaman, and long walks on the beach, near my beach house.

POW WOW INDIAN: That chicken must have been heading to a 49! Hey yah ho!

EDUCATED INDIAN: I think it has to do with Einstein's Theory of Relatives which basically posits: "Did the chicken really cross the road or did the
road move beneath the chicken?"

REZ INDIAN: What road?

IHS INDIAN: I really don't care why it crossed that road. We still aren't
paying for no stinkin' hospital bills.

BIA INDIAN: It crossed it because CFR 49, Section 11299, article 5C, line 12
grants it the authority to do so. It wrote a grant and we funded them. We
are very proud of that chicken!

KFC INDIAN: I'll take a leg, a thigh, with corn and potatoes. Extra Crispy,
please.

TRIBAL INDIAN COUNCIL: The chicken crossed the road before we did? Fire his

family!!!

CASINO INDIAN: That's my favorite slot!

 

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his
ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the
other, "You see that Indian?"

"Yeah," says the other cowboy.

"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He
can hear things for miles in any direction."

Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about
two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man,
woman, child, furniture in wagon."

"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows
how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who
is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"

The Indian looks up and says, "Yep, the asshole ran over me about
a half hour ago."


 

Still Tryin to get the Hell Out

This story was told to me by an uncle who was a devout Catholic and actually went to visit the Pope in Rome. While he was in Rome he told the Pope this story.

When the Pope was still travelling around to do public presentations and almost anybody could go to hear him speak, and they still put up posters to herald his coming.

There was an old Indian man who seen these posters spread far and wide. So he figured he would go to hear this famous man speak and maybe learn what he had to teach.

A couple of days before the time came for the presentation, the old Indian packed up his teepee and gear and walked to the site. When he got there he set up his camp in the far corner of the site where he could oversee all that happened and hear all that was said. The time for the Pope’s presentation drew near and people started to file in, of course everybody looked up to where the old Indian was camped as he sat cross-legged watching the day unravel.

When the Pope came out to his podium and raised his arms to the lord, he couldn’t help but look up to where the old Indian was seated, somewhat surprised to see not only the old Indian but his teepee as well.

The Pope finished his talk and walked down from the stage and up the isle, quickly touching people’s hands as he passed them by. When he arrived at the old Indians teepee, he stood and talked for a bit than made a very large sign of the cross and walked back to the stage and disappeared.

One of the old Indians friends came up to him and said “ Boy you sure must feel special, to have the Pope come up to you and bless you like that”.

The Old Indian responded, “ What do you mean blessed, he never blessed me”.

The friend said “Sure he did, he stood in front of you and did this (Making a very large sign of the Cross) I seen him”.

The Old Indian replied, “Sure that’s what he did but it wasn’t any kind of blessing. When he did this (raising his arm and making the large up and down motion), the Pope asked me, Is this your teepee?” I nodded yes. (than the Pope swept his arm from left to right making the final motion of the sign of the cross he said) “Well get it the hell out of here”. Then the Pope turned and left.

 

Q: what's the difference between a white ghost and indian ghost?

A: the white ghost says "Boo!"

the indian ghost says "Boo! aaaaaye!"

 

Smoke Rings

===========

A guy travelling through the prairies of the USA stopped

at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end

of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar.

As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing

smoke rings. After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into

the air, an angry American Indian stomped up to him

and said, "One more remark like that and I'll smash your

face in!"

 

A native brother rides into town on a hot blistering day riding his horse with his dog following. He ties his horse and his dog under the shade of a tree. The native brother goes into the bar for a cold beer. About twenty minutes later, a policeman comes in and asks who owns the dog tied under the tree. The native brother tells him thats its his dog. The policeman says,"Your dog is in heat." The native brother answers, "No way the dog's in heat; he's cool, cause he's tied under the shade of the tree." The policeman says, "No, you don't understand, your dog needs to be bred." The native brother shakes his head and says, "No way dog needs bread; he's not hungry cause I gave him fish this morning." The policeman finally gets mad and says, "Look, your dog wants to have sex!" The native brother looks at him and says, "Go ahead, I always wanted a policedog!"

Tim

 

One late evening a native brother came out of the local pub a little drunk. 

He got into his pickup truck and started driving back to the reserve on a lonely road. 
All of a sudden a piston blew right through the engine hood. 
The native jumps out his truck, madder then hell, kicks the door a couple of times and starts walking home.

About twenty minutes later a pickup truck with a load of fellow natives in it,stopped. One of the fellas called out, "Whats the matter brother?" The native calls back, "Piston-broke!"

The same fella calls back, 'Ya! we're piss'nd and broke too, get in the truck."

An Indian walks into a trading post and asks for toilet paper. The clerk

asks if he would like no name, Charmin, or White Cloud. 'White Cloud sounds

like good Indian toilet paper,' says the Indian. 'How much is it?' '$1.00 a

roll,' the clerk replies. 'That seems pretty expensive,' responds the

Indian. 'What about the others?' 'Charmin is $2.00 a roll and no name is 50

cents a roll.' The Indian doesn't have much money so he opts for the no

name. Within a few hours he is back at the trading post. 'I have a name for

the no name toilet paper,' he announces to the clerk. 'We shall call it John

Wayne.' 'Why?' asks the confused clerk. 'Cause it's rough and it's tough and

it don't take no shit off an Indian.'

An Oji Cree was speeding down the highway one day, when he suddenly noticed a Police cruiser behind him, lights flashing and siren wailing. "Oh Shoot" he muttered to himself, " what should I do"? He decided to try and get away and floored the gas pedal. At speeds up to 160KM per hour, the cruiser stayed right behind him. Realizing his old car couldn't out run the cruiser, he decided he'd better pull over. The Officer came up to his window and said to him "If you can give me a good reason why you were trying to get away, I'll consider letting you go". So, the Oji Cree explained "One of your fellow officers took off with my wife and I thought you were bringing her back". The Officer told him "Have a good day".....

THE THREE SOLDIERS

There was a white soldier, a black soldier, and an Indian soldier, all three died in a war, and were sent to hell. All three met the devil, and asked how much they would pay to be sent back to earth. The white soldier offered a million dollars, the devil then agreed, and the white soldier was sent back to earth, the black soldier offered 1.5 million, the devil agreed, and the black soldier was also sent back to earth. The white soldier asked the black soldier "where's the Indian"? The black soldier replied, "the last time I seen the indian, he was still tryin to convince the devil that Indian affairs would pay his way".

Submitted by : J.T.


A politician was speaking to a group on a western Indian Reservation. He was delighted that many of the group would enthusiastically yell, "HOYA" numerous times during his speech. The next day he was touring the reservation and during the tour was shown through a dairy. There were numerous patties around the area. His guide said, "Be careful not to step in the hoya."

Submitted by L. Daniel

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, set up their tent, and are asleep. Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend "Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asked The Lone Ranger.

Tonto ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What it tell you, Kemosabe?"

The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Tonto, you Dumb Ass, someone has stolen our tent."

A Navajo guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the hogan. He rushes in to find his wife naked on the fold up bed, sweating and panting.  "What's go'n on?" he says.

"I'm having a sumtin funny in my heart," cries the woman.

He rushes outside to grab his cell phone in his pickup, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Shizhe'e! Shizhe'e'! Uncle Jimmy's hiding in under the sheepskin and he don't got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms into the hogan, pass his screaming wife, and rips off the sheep skin.  Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering under the skin.

"You're a rotten brother," says the husband, "Shaa yah deh!  My wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!?!?"

All for the People

4 men gather on the top of 30-story building, an East Indian, a Japanese, an American Indian, and a White Man.

The East Indian guy says, "This is for my people!" and he jumps off.  The  Japanese says, "This is for my people!" and jumps off.
The American Indian says, "This is for my people"
and pushes the White Man off.


Lost Tourist on the Rez

An blonde woman from New York City was driving through the rez sightseeing when her car broke down on a deserted dusty road. The only things around her where the sage brushes and an occasional lizard running pass.  She was feeling helpless and in tears.

Then off in the distance she saw an  Indian on horseback coming along.  When he came up to her, she noticed he was wearing just a lion cloth.  He  offered her a ride to a nearby garage. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The horse would start off into a gallop  and the woman would grasp on tighter. Then all of a sudden the man would yell out, "Wooooowhoooo!!!!!"  The whoop was so loud that it would echo into the surrounding hills.

This happened over and over again, the horse would run off into a gallop and the woman would tighten her grip and the indian man would holler "WOOOWHOOOO!!"

Finally they  arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off into the sunset.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.

"Nothing" shrugged the woman, "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback."

He doesn't look so good!
by unknown

There was this ole Indian that owned a nice looking Sorrel Gelding that he kept in his pasture next to the highway.

One day a white man was driving by and noticed this prize horse. He pulled into the driveway at this ole Indian's placw and said "Who owns that beautiful horse grazing along the side the highway?"

The ole Indian said, "Me."

"I'll give you $500 right now for him!" said the white man.

"No, he is not for sale... He don't look so good," stated the Skin.

"What do you mean he don't look so good, he looks fine to me.
Tell you what, I'll give you $750 for him right now, Indian!"

"No," said the ole fella, "He don't look so good."

"$1000 then, take it or leave it, old timer!" the white man huffed.

"OK, but I tell you, he don't look so good!" replied the ole man as he made the deal.

A few days past when all of a sudden that white guy came to the ole man's house once again. He got out of the truck, his head was all bandaged up, grabbed his crutches and hopped up to the ole guys porch.

"WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU INDIAN, YOU SOLD ME A BLIND HORSE!" Shouted the white man.

"I told you he don't look so good!"


The Lone Ranger and Tonto

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched on his gun belt and said, "I do...Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was just
about ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse
some water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around
Silver for a little while and see if you can create enough of a breeze to cool
him off!"

 Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver. Not
 able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to
 finish his beer.

 A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who
 owns that big white horse outside?"

 The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this
 time?"

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,.. "nothin', but you left your Injun runnin'." 

 

Top Ten Signs You are a Techno-Indian 
by Okiyapsni

10.  You have several CPU's up on blocks in your living room.

9.  Your snag doesn't want to hear that lame old "my server was down" excuse anymore.

8.  You think a floppy disk slot crammed with sage will somehow increase your connection speed

7.  You send eeezzzzmail

6.  Your mail address is DancesWithModems@hotmail.com

5.  Before you attend a powwow, you need to check its website first

4.  Your mouse is coated with frybread grease

3.  You ask chicks for their email address at powwows

2.  You have a beaded zip drive

1.  You now know a hard drive isn't just the road to Red Shirt Table!

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest
in his paintings on display.
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied.
"The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and
asked the value after your death. When I told him the price, he
bought all 25 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed.
"What's the bad news?"
"The man was your doctor..."

A bald eagle lost his mate. He was lonely and needed company so he
set out to find one. Well. he became desperate so he was flying around
and spotted a dove in the tree. So he swooped her up took her to his
love nest thought, 'great a night of loving'. No all night long the dove
said "I'm a dove lets make love". By morning the eagle had enough
so he took her back to the tree he found her in.

So once again he was alone. So off he goes again spots a loon.
Swoops down takes her back to his nest. All night long "I'm a loon
lets swoon" By morning he had enough again so back he takes her.

Two days go by. He's desperate so flys around, finally he spots a duck.
Grabs the duck take her home. Only this time was different.

The duck turned to the eagle and said" I'm a drake, you've made a mistake.

The two East Coast hookers decided to move to the West Coast and
while driving through New Mexico they stopped at a little general
store.
Well low and behold there were two older Indian women sitting on the
front porch and the four women started up a conversation, which lead
to the one older Indian woman said "Well I'm a Navajo and she is an
Arapaho" and the one hooker said "No Kidding, Well I'm a New York Ho
and she is a Chicago Ho"

 

THE LAWYER

Some of the Indian humor was even reported in the early newspapers as in this example from the Bartlesville Magnet, 31 August 1900:

There was a lawyer in the Indian country who had none too good a reputation for honesty. One of the aborigines employed him to do a little legal business. It was done to the client's satisfaction, the fee duly paid, and a receipt for it duly demanded.

"A receipt isn't necessary," the lawyer said.

"But I want it," replied the red man. There was some argument, and the attorney finally demanded his reason. "Since becoming a Christian I have been very careful in all my dealings, that I may be ready for the judgment," answered the brave sententiously, "and when that day comes I don't want to take time to go to the bad place to get my receipt from you."

The receipt was made out and delivered promptly.

NO ONE LOST

The Delawares located in western Oklahoma also had their humor:

Eli Reynolds, a member of the Delaware and Caddo Tribes, was delegated one day by the Superintendent of the Kiowa Indian Agency, at Anadarko, Oklahoma, to accompany a group of easterners on a tour of the Indian Reservation. After due time they arrived at the banks of the Washita River.

"Has anybody been lost in crossing this river," asked one of the group.

"Nope," replied Eli, "One Indian drowned here las' week, but we found him th' nex' day."

NO WHITES AROUND

Here is an example from the Delawares on the Six Nations Reserve in Ontario, Canada in their version of one of the favorite jokes among many Indian tribes concerning the White people:

The Indians of that era were jolly, jocular people. They laughed easily, perhaps because they knew so much of want and suffering. They had known poverty, hunger and racial discrimination. The Indian had a real sense of humour, in spite of his hardships. He took time to talk to anyone he met on the street. . . A favorite story concerned a Whiteman who asked an Indian if it was safe to leave his rifle on the reserve. "Don't worry," replied the Indian. "There isn't a Whiteman within six miles."

HAS BEEN

Some good jokes come from members of other tribes who are married to Delawares, as in this example:

Amos Tiger, a professional lightweight champion boxer and a fullblood Euchee Indian who is married to a Delaware, tells this story on one of his fellow tribesmen:

"One day, Micco Behan, an old fullblood, walked into a restaurant in Sapulpa, Oklahoma, and asked for a full course dinner. In due time, the waitress brought in the first course which consisted of soup.

"'Whats thet?' inquired old Micco.

"'That's bean soup,' replied the waitress.

"'Well,' retorted the old man, 'I ain't asking you what it's been, I want to know what it is now'."

THE YOUNG MAN'S PRAYER

Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the  woods. All of a sudden, one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. " Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! " he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard an answering, " Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! "  He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

 The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about. Was the other Indian crazy or what? " No, " said the Indian. "

 It is our custom during mating season. When Indian men see cave, they holler, " Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! " into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate. " 

Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped, and hollered, " Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! " Immediately, there was an answering " Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! " from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. 

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. 

As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, " Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave! " He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might " Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! " He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, " WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! "

 With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the Local 

Newspaper read..... " NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN ".

Winter is coming

The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not. 

Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared. being a good and wise leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather  Service and asked, 

"Is this winter to be cold?" The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold indeed."

 So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared.

A week later  he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." 

So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find.

Two weeks later he calls the National Weather  Service again "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"

 

 

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

In modern corporate America and government, however, a whole range of far more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

01. Buying a stronger whip.

02. Changing riders.

03. Threatening the horse with termination.

04. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

05. Arranging to visit other countries to see how others ride dead horses.

06. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

07. Re-classifying the dead horse as "living impaired."

08. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

09. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase the speed.

10. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.

11. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.

12. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

13. Re-writing the expected performance requirements for all horses.

14. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

 

TOP TEN WAYS CHRISTMAS WOULD DIFFER IF SANTA WERE INDIAN

 10.    At bedtime, kids would leave bannock for him 

 9.     He would be wearing a red turtle neck to hide his hickeys.

 8.     Santa's new moccasins would be made out of Dasher 

 7.     Santa would have long braids

 6.     a five pound block of cheese under every tree 

 5.     The elves would never show up for work on Fridays, sometimes not on Monday either . 

 4.     The sleigh would need a jump every other state/province

 3.     His outfit would consist of a red ribbon shirt, leggings, red roach and beaded gift bag. 2.        Navajos would be hired to fit into those tiny elf outfits.

 1.     Our gifts would probably arrive in February.

 


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